something perhaps a bit more serious.

So for the year we've been down here I have been regularly:
1. walking to and from school every day at a relatively quick pace.
2. going to yoga between 2 and 3 times a week with an occasional 4 thrown in
3. going for a run on the days I don't do yoga and sometimes even when I do
4. playing ultimate infrequently lately, but I did play more earlier in the year
5. walking to and from every friend's house, gathering, party, etc.
6. walking the dog on top of all of that if she didn't go on a run with me

This has understandably had a profound effect on my body. I am the smallest I have been since high school. In the last week or two, no fewer than 4 people have commented about how skinny I've gotten. I have dropped between 30 and 40 pounds. I had it to lose. I was close to 200lbs and had sworn to myself that I wasn't going to let it get to be more than that because this frame is not built to carry quite that much. People telling me they're noticing how much weight I have lost has had a profound effect on my emotions.

I like this body that I have. I like it when it's heavier, I like it when it's lighter. I can do more when it's like this, but I am not incapable when it's heavier. I can ride my bicycle fast, hike long distances, carry heavy things, and build to my heart's content no matter what my body has looked like so far. Now there are a few changes. For the first time in my life I enjoy running. I like the challenge of the hills (same as riding my bike) and trying to slow down my breathing when I'm going as hard as I can. And someone recently said that I'm doing excellent high altitude training for when I want to be a firefighter. Too bad the effects will be long since worn off by the time I'm ready for those tests. Maybe I'll come down for a month before them...

So I'm stuck feeling conflicted. I know that I feel better; my cardio-vascular health is much more awesome than it was; I can twist my body into positions I could only dream about a year ago; the endorphins keep me feeling positive and wonderful even when I'm stressed; I have other options besides riding my bike when I need to get out and let my brain work its way through complicated things... These are all good.

But I have also spent a significant portion of my life working on feeling positive about my body. I do not like the BMI crap or the weight watchers crap or the other dieting crap. I do not like that so much of our culture is built around being as skinny as you can be healthily (I'll assume for the sake of argument that we're not all built like supermodels and that many of us actually do understand that). I have a deep and abiding love for all of my fat friends and the culture that has grown up around being fat and proud. I also have a deep love for food of all kinds and make fine choices about my food, even if sometimes I eat more butter or bread than one of those silly diets would call for.

I have also struggled with people telling me that I needed to lose weight to be healthy, including all of my parents at various times. This is perhaps the hardest piece. I know that they will be "proud" of me for losing weight. I hope that they can realize that I'd much rather them be proud of me for being active, finding things to do that make me happy, and for finding a way to balance all of the parts of my life that are important. In that way, I could care less if I lost weight. I almost wish I hadn't so I could prove that my body was lovely the way that it was (and might be again).

I am worried that when I get back to the states I will not have as easy a time keeping this whole exercise for the fun of it going. I will lose my deep teacher discount at the neighborhood yoga studio. I will be going back during the hottest season and can't stand heat. I'm actually pretty conviced I'll be good through the summer, though, because on August 2nd I'm planning on doing the Greenfield Triathlon with Tamara, my neighbor (and anyone else who wants to play swim/bike/ride). It's a sprint distance tri, so it's a .3 mi swim, 15 mi bike and 3 mile run. jor's going to do our swimming training at the Mill River Pool this summer. We've already been planning everything and I am quite excited. My new running shoes are even already at Emmy's house just waiting for me to get home. It's the winter, though, when it's hard to get on my bike, and I REALLY don't want to go to a gym, that worries me. I like my running on trails in the woods, not even on the roads outside, much less on a treadmill or a fancy machine that'd be nicer on my knees. I don't want to lose all of the progress that I've made this year on my journey towards firefighter status.

I don't really have any good closure to this post. I guess it's clear that I'm feeling conflicted. I just wanted you to understand that, especially if you're one of the people to whom I'm coming home. Instead of telling me how much weight I've lost, feel free to invite me for a run/ride/walk/hike/swim/etc. Thank you.

Anyway, those are the meandering thoughts of a winkler late at night. I've been trying to write this post for a while. It's good to finally get it out.